When Doug and Melissa Pandolf began the process of adoption they originally hoped for two children. Now 10 years later their family has four happy and healthy adopted children from Russia and the story is documented in Melissa’s new book, “The Journey for Mama’s Babies.”
The book, which started as a journal that Melissa kept during the trials and tribulations she and Doug experienced, opens in 2003 and runs through July 2006, chronicling every emotion, defeat and triumph related to the adoption process that eventually brought Julia, Kasenya, Zachary and Jeremy to Long Island.
“It’s through her eyes,” said Doug, who graduated from Sachem in 1987 and was a member of Sachem’s 1986 Rutgers Trophy and county championship football team, as well as a varsity lacrosse player. “How people look at her. What she was thinking and how she was feeling.”
What’s most captivating about the work is that you’re able to read the exact thoughts and feelings Melissa had at the time she was writing in her journal. It’s raw, it’s emotional and lets you feel what she was experiencing during some of the most important moments of her life.
“The journal started the day Doug and I were leaving for Moscow in 2003,” she said. “Every day I wrote a paragraph on how I was feeling. I always said I wanted to make the book so the kids knew how they became my kids. When I started writing it, I realized my emotions and the dark side started to come out. It was post-adoption depression. It went from becoming a book about my kids, for my kids, to almost like my therapist.”
Through three years, four trips to Russia and one to Washington, D.C., the book is filled with a detailed oration of how Doug and Melissa built their family one day at a time.
You learn of the bureaucracy and politics involved with international adoption. Today Russia currently has a ban on adoption, so it’s a vastly altered world even since they brought home each of their four children.
“You’re there and you want to take every one of them home,” Doug said.
Even with the adoption of their youngest son Jeremy it took two years between the time they first met him in August 2004 until they brought him to the United States in July 2006. Russia had shut down its adoption then as well for a brief time. They drove to Washington, D.C. to speak with a Russian delegate and advance their cause in taking Jeremy home.
The raw feelings on paper though are what you’ll enjoy most about this read. Like when Melissa describes meeting her daughters for the first time.
“All I could mutter was the word hi with a big smile on my face,” she wrote. “I was at a loss for words. We didn’t speak each other’s language, so what else could I really say? I just sat there holding my hands out to them, palms up, and they placed their little hands softly on top of mine. I started into their precious, big blue eyes as Elana and Svetlana spoke to them in their native tongue.”
Or when Melissa talks about getting the first phone call about a referral for 18-month old twins.
“I remember being so excited that I had to take several deep breaths to calm myself down,” she wrote. “The waiting was over. I was overcome with tears, and I didn’t even know anything yet. I felt just as excited as the same woman who was waiting for that pregnancy test to show her results and now she knows it’s positive. I was paper pregnant. Oh, how I wished to be at home right at that moment to hug and kiss Doug!”
In the end it’s about a plethora of themes: family struggles, interdependence, psychological depth and stamina, determination, resilience and more.
“I figured I cant be the only one who goes through this,” said Melissa, who spent a career in the Air Force and is currently in the Air National Guard. “I really hope it helps people open the lines more with adoption. It helps other adopted parents know they’re not alone. It’s okay to have the feelings they have. It’s almost taboo. People don’t talk about these things. I hope that I help other people understand more about the process.”
Doug and Melissa live with their four children in Patchogue, N.Y.
Melissa will be signing copies of her book at The Book Revue in Huntington, N.Y. on January 17 at 7 p.m.
PURCHASE THE BOOK ON AMAZON TODAY!
-Words by Chris R. Vaccaro